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Shame & Anger

Friday, May 14, 2021

I have looked through my old blogs a little bit and it's hard to not have momentary flashes of shame and anger with myself that I lost the goal of maintenance.

The shame and anger come from my childhood of abuse and neglect. I know this go around won't be as easy as it was years ago when I met my goal weight and actually went lower than that. I'm older now, I'm not as active due to a chronic health issue that I finally got diagnosed 5-6 years ago. I got stuck in the, "I don't matter" mindset again and let it take me to where I am now. I'm fighting the shame and the anger that I allowed my abusers to win and I'm back here again. The anger and shame is due to them teaching me that I don't matter.

I know that every day is important. It's only been almost 2 weeks so far so this will be a long journey to get to even 10 pounds or more of my goal weight that is higher this time due to expectations being lower due to my age and health issues. I'm angry that I had the answers and I knew this was a lifestyle. I knew that eating healthy was important NOT just for weight but for a healthy life. My health issues are NOT due to my eating habits, rather it's a genetic syndrome I inherited (EDS) and others that come with that syndrome.

I'm feeling shame because that is what I felt every day of my life for so many decades. I don't feel that way towards others who fall off the boat like I have, but I am hard on myself because my abusers had no empathy for the pain they caused me and that caused me to have it for others but not for me.

I'm not making excuses, rather I am explaining to myself out loud why I am where I am. My journey has never been an easy one but it's taught me that anything worth achieving is done with hard work and not easy. I'm in therapy and have been for years to deal with these issues but my pain manifested itself again in me losing site of my right to be healthy, happy, and feeling it was okay to focus on me. My abusers won't win. I walked away from them but they are still with me in a way because I let the horrible words and lies they told me still enter into my head most days. I have proved to myself that they are monsters, but I still let them have an effect on me by listening to the lies they told me, including telling and showing me that I am not worthy of focusing on my needs, my health, my feelings, etc.

I will defeat those tapes in my head and I will fight to feel worthy of taking care of myself. I did my entire life but I didn't love myself in the process because they didn't love me. I have people in my life that do but I am learning to do it myself because that is what matters most.

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