Man, that Mrs. Johnson. I got her husband all laid out in the casket in his black suit and she comes in and says she wants him buried in a blue suit.
She insists that it has to be a blue suit.
What'd you do?
Well, luckily, we g... Read more
An eighty-year-old couple is having problems remembering things, so they go to the doctor to get checked out. They describe for the doctor the problems they are each having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells the... Read more
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at twenty-two miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lig... Read more
A man is celebrating his ninetieth birthday at the nursing home, and his friends decide to surprise him. They wheel in a big birthday cake and out pops a beautiful young woman who says, "Hi, I can give you some super sex!" The old man says, "W... Read more
This old guy goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Doctor: You're in great shape for a sixty-year-old.
Guy: Who says I'm sixty years old?
Doctor: You're not sixty? How old are you?
Guy: I turn eighty next month.
Doctor: Gosh, eighty!... Read more
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven today, and we don't know where the heck she is.
The old man thought his wife was going deaf, so he came up behind her and said, "Can you hear me, sweet... Read more
The old lady walks up to the old man at the retirement home and says, "If you drop your pants, I'll bet I can tell your age." So the man drops his pants, and she says, "You're eighty-three."
"You're right! How could you tell?"
"You told me... Read more
It was Mr. Ryan's funeral and the pallbearers were carrying the casket out from the church. When they bumped into a pillar, one of them heard a moan from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that Mr. Ryan was still alive. God b... Read more
First old man: You want to go for a walk?
Second old man: Isn't it windy?
First old man: No, it's Thursday.
Second old man: Me, too. Let's go get a beer.
Time change and I slept really late. Overcast and rainy but not heavy.
E... Read more
An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. The old man says, "I'm married to a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman." The young man says, "What's wrong with that?" And the old man says, ... Read more
Mildred was a ninety-three-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided to kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out E... Read more
Old lady: Do you remember when we were first married and you used to take my hand and kiss me on the cheek and then you'd kind of nibble on my ear?
Old man: You bet. Let me go get my teeth.
Old lady: Do you remember if we ever had mut... Read more
Excuse me, Kate, may I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Kate. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
... Read more
An old Irishman was coming home late one night from the pub. As he passed the old graveyard, he thought of all his friends in there, and then he saw a stone beside the road. He thought, "The poor man, buried out here by the highway. And he li... Read more
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A German tourist was driving 140 miles an hour in his BMW, and the highway patrol pulled him over. The patrolman said, "I'm going to have to search your car."
"Okay, javohl," said the German. The patrolman looked inside the trunk, and there ... Read more