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ROXWINK's Photo ROXWINK SparkPoints: (0)
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7/28/09 9:28 P

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TKJ - Well, here's my take. From what you say, it sounds to me like your SIL is totally narcissistic. I had someone in my life who was an "N" and after years of it, I finally severed all ties and my life is now less stressful. As a result, I can spot them a mile away, and I do not allow narcissists or negative people in my life. My motto is "negativity breeds negativity," so I avoid people who are constantly negative or narcissistic.

Edited by: ROXWINK at: 7/28/2009 (21:29)
Eat smart. Live well.
HLTHYLIVNCCJ's Photo HLTHYLIVNCCJ Posts: 5,366
7/28/09 9:09 P

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TKJ: I just realized that I forgot the second half of my response, I was in such a hurry today. So here it goes....It is obvious the situation frustrates you. You probably already know in your heart and mind what you would like to do. The choice is yours alone. There is no right or wrong way to approach family issues. Granted every family and every individual is unique and responds to things differently. Only you can decide what you would like to do. All I can say is that I understand your frustration, as I have been there too.

Healthy and happy thoughts to you!

-Cindy-
Member of Living Healthy with Insulin Resistance/Low GI Diet Team

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The greatest success is the ability to rise from failure.

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. " - Walt Disney


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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
7/28/09 6:47 P

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TK: What do you think you should do about SIL? What do you want to do? What stops you from doing what you want to do? That's what is frustrating you hon.

Hugs




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HLTHYLIVNCCJ's Photo HLTHYLIVNCCJ Posts: 5,366
7/28/09 12:28 P

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TKJ, sounds like we have almost identical sil's! Know that you are not alone with frustrations regarding a family member, even if by marriage. Mine is one that also insists it is her way or no way and if you don't want to follow what she dictates, she tries to get the other family members to force you into it or manipulates things to her vantage. We severed communication with her year's ago, though still talk with the rest of the family. Luckily, she wove her web of deceit so tight that she snagged herself in her own trap! The hub's parents discovered her for her true self. Took a long time, but it finally happened. So I understand what you are saying. Just stay strong and be the wonderful person you are!



-Cindy-
Member of Living Healthy with Insulin Resistance/Low GI Diet Team

Member of Lowering Salt Intake Team

The greatest success is the ability to rise from failure.

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. " - Walt Disney


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TKJBSGETTINGFIT's Photo TKJBSGETTINGFIT Posts: 321
7/28/09 12:12 P

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Sorry to post so soon, I just saw this on Facebook:


"Which Wonderland Character Are You?"

The Cheshire Cat.
Although you generally keep to yourself, you sometimes make an unexpected appearance. You sit quietly and watch others, smiling occasionally at how truly amusing and odd people can be. You choose your words wisely, and others look to you for direction. You prefer to let others find their own way in life, but provide them with just enough insight to keep them looking for more!.

How many of us advice givers are like this?

Edited by: TKJBSGETTINGFIT at: 7/28/2009 (12:14)
Fill your minds with those things that are good, deserving of praise, that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.Put into practice what you have learned and received from Me, both from My words and actions. Phil 4:8-9
TKJBSGETTINGFIT's Photo TKJBSGETTINGFIT Posts: 321
7/28/09 11:11 A

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Ok, can I vent about a related problem, LOL! My sil is VERY controlling about everyone around her-extended family, neighbors, coworkers,etc. She not only tells folks what to do, she makes their decisions and does it for them! When she becomes aware of someone dealing with a problem, she goes over, tells them what they should be doing, calls and goes to do what she has told them to do. The bro she is married to is the SAME way! Unbelievable! They do this at the expense of their children, leaving their children on their own since babyhood, expecting others to provide meals, supervision or not, doesn't seem to matter to them.

I am venting because they took control of my fathers things in his home while he was gone and continued while he was there. He was in shock to find out they had sorted through everything in his garage and back porch, taken alot to the dump (tools, things he was working on, things he already had one of). I believe he was in shock. When I talked to him he only said it made him very very sad because that was all he had to show for his life and they threw it out or gave it away (almost like he was already dead!)

Sil comes from VERY large family, has had family members die as a teen. When my grandparents died(I was their only granddaughter)she took over the funeral arrangements, including my part in the funeral. Instead I became a pallbearer, which i still considered an honor but the fact that SHE decided what I could and couldn't do irked me ALOT!

Shortly thereafter my mom informed me sil would be making decisions for them medically and if they could no longer make own decisions as they get older she will make them too, because she is in closer physical proximity to them. WTH?!!! (excuse the french) She has different values than them, including a belief in nursing homes (my parents don't want to ever live in them and we had planned to care for them in our own home if that time came.)

This funeral thing seems to be a favorite for sil. 2nd cousin died Sat in another town in same state. She found out by phone thru family telephone tree at 2:30 am. By 3 am she was gone and making arrangements for body and funeral. Why do people let her do this?

I don't get it. Mom says its a stressful time and it is just easier to let someone else do it. I think it is the last thing they will ever get to do for their loved one and someone who didn't know or love that person as much as them, is making all the final decisions, without knowing their fiances or other personal circumstances.

Isn't this the next level of advice-giving? Why do folks get like this and what are the odds they stop?

Fill your minds with those things that are good, deserving of praise, that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.Put into practice what you have learned and received from Me, both from My words and actions. Phil 4:8-9
GROWINGINGRACE's Photo GROWINGINGRACE Posts: 569
7/27/09 11:57 P

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I'm on Advice lock down. My family is accustomed to me taking their stuff and working it out and coming back to them with a response. or they want to hear justification for what they've already decided. Same thing with work. I'm listening and empathising, but against my own feelings, finding it necessary to say, I wish I knew the answer...

By perseverance the snail reached the ark.
-- Charles Haddon Spurgeon


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HLTHYLIVNCCJ's Photo HLTHYLIVNCCJ Posts: 5,366
7/27/09 8:35 P

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Thanks!

-Cindy-
Member of Living Healthy with Insulin Resistance/Low GI Diet Team

Member of Lowering Salt Intake Team

The greatest success is the ability to rise from failure.

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. " - Walt Disney


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ROXWINK's Photo ROXWINK SparkPoints: (0)
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7/27/09 8:02 P

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Like the new pic, Cindy!

Eat smart. Live well.
HLTHYLIVNCCJ's Photo HLTHYLIVNCCJ Posts: 5,366
7/27/09 7:16 P

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I give some advise, like on here when a question is asked, as it is in my nature to help others. Though in person, I usually find that close friends or family members that are having a problem are not really looking for advise, but rather a validation to the solution they feel is the right one.

I will often listen to what their problem is, then they will ask me what I would do in their shoes. I often turn it back on them and ask them what they feel they should do. I find that the individual usually has an idea of what they want to do, they just want to hear you state the same thing. Sometimes in talking they realize their idea may not be the best or that it may be. I usually tell them to go with their gut instinct and if things don't turn out right, then it probably was not meant to be or they may need to take a different approach to the problem, as their is usually more than one way to find a solution, just depends on how you look at it.

So in person, I really try to side step giving advise and as the individual asking me usually has an idea of what they want to do anyhow. Though on here, I will offer what I know works for me and has worked for others, but the ultimate decisions on what to do really rely on the individual themselves.



-Cindy-
Member of Living Healthy with Insulin Resistance/Low GI Diet Team

Member of Lowering Salt Intake Team

The greatest success is the ability to rise from failure.

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. " - Walt Disney


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TKJBSGETTINGFIT's Photo TKJBSGETTINGFIT Posts: 321
7/27/09 6:30 P

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I'm learning to discern who is asking for and needing advice (options), and who is just playing games or wanting a scapegoat to blame decisions on.

Here's a clue; survivors of abuse have learned to manipulate people well, they had to, to survive. Some will live the rest of their lives abusing this skill to excuse whatever goes on in their lives. Thank God, most don't. But online groups like this are great for those who want to misuse their skills.

Deep answer for a superficial question, huh? Now you'll probably get more responses to my response and distract yourself better from reading questions you're dying to respond to, LOL!

Fill your minds with those things that are good, deserving of praise, that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.Put into practice what you have learned and received from Me, both from My words and actions. Phil 4:8-9
JACKSLAW SparkPoints: (0)
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7/27/09 2:17 P

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Me, I honestly try to bite my tongue!

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ROXWINK's Photo ROXWINK SparkPoints: (0)
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7/27/09 12:26 P

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Me too!

Eat smart. Live well.
NANCY-'s Photo NANCY- Posts: 11,980
7/27/09 9:46 A

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Too often.

However I need to listen to my own advice. LOL

Expect Success

*)
..*) .*)
(.*Stress comes from focusing on problems,
........relief comes from focusing on solutions.

Reward yourself for behaviors, not results.
FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
7/26/09 10:00 P

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It's a knee-jerk reaction with me. I am taking a 7 day fast this week from advice giving...LOL




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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
7/26/09 10:00 P

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How often do you give advice to others?




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