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6/22/09 4:00 P

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I am glad to hear that you have taken steps to have your child diagnoised. However one think that I do suggest is that you do not treat your child as the diagnoises. Treat them as someone who has this diagnoises. What I mean by that is do not allow them to use their diagnoises as a crutch. They do have the ability to be successful functioning adults, as long as they are held accountable. I do not think the question is "is this normal behavior?" I think the question is what should you do when they act this way, because whether other teenagers do this or not does not make it acceptable behavior. Keep up the good work.

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ADOPTMOM1 Posts: 8,660
6/20/09 4:40 P

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Not professional, medical advice but , GOOD, wise advice for sure.


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6/20/09 9:40 A

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As a teen I was clinically depressed. Back then, it was taboo to talk about it so I wasn't treated until I was in my 20's when I had a steady job and insurance and got over the fear of medications making me more suicidal. Now....I'm not comparing my depression to bi-polar disorder, ODD, or other psychotic conditions, but I can speak from the perspective of the illness.

Everything looks different when you have a mental disorder. I did not have the anger issues, but hopelessness instead. Even the smallest thing could send me spiralling down into a deeper depression. Logically, I knew the situation wasn't a big deal, but I couldn't control my reaction. Now, that was as a teen. What I'm saying to try to understand how hard it is for your children to control their emotions, I'll bet they realize, just as I did, that their reaction is extreme, but they don't know how to stop it. Mostly, they don't want to be that way.

Once I began treatment, for depression and anxiety, I was able to identify when I was heading into a depressed state or an anxiety "attack" and I could deal with it via medication or relaxation and reflection of the situation that is making me feel this way. Most teens do not have the ability to do this. They have to be taught. You can teach them.

If you can't stop them during a "fit" then take the time to discuss it afterward (even if they don't want to, you do it, many children will evenutally give in and interact), have your child write down what triggered their rage/reaction. Discuss why the situation wasn't really as bad as they imagined. Discuss alternative behaviours for the situation. Have them identify something pleasant to them, where they can redirect themselves when they think a situation is going to become escalated to them. Or you may even see it coming and can help them get to their "happy place". It could be a book, a movie, video game, maybe you and your child could take a walk. Whatever seems to make them calm down. Taking a walk with you gives them one-on-one time to discuss their feelings and work through it.

It's not an overnight thing. If you do this each and every time an episode occurs, most likely, your child with learn this habit and start taking control of their own behavior.

THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE, I am not a doctor. Seeking health care professionals is, of course, the immediate and appropriate course of action. But as parents, we must try to help our younger children and those going through the hormonal stages of puberty understand what they are feeling, why they are feeling it, identify triggers and when they feel these strong emotions coming on so that they can identify them and begin learning to practice steps to control them. Through proper medical care, medications and their own awareness, many children with mental illness will grow to be wonderful adults. I feel for all parents AND children going through such a difficult time. It can be better.

Edited by: KTNBOBSMOM at: 6/20/2009 (09:43)
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ADOPTMOM1 Posts: 8,660
6/19/09 9:31 A

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Yes, I definitely think it's a combination. I have a daughter who is 9 and bipolar and every normal preteen thing is amplified with her. I'm assuming that you are working with a counselor/psychologist team if you have those medical diagnoses for him. You definitely need to discuss this issue with them and maybe adjust his medication.


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MPVIKINGS1 Posts: 123
6/18/09 8:59 A

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My heart aches for you. Being a teacher (special education) I want to say that some of that sounds like normal teenage behavior but a little more severe than norm. I also know that especially teenagers like to use the diagnosis to get their own way. It is difficult but I would try the "tough love" approach. Maybe some time in the local juvenile detention center may help. I have had several students who had these diagnosis and it got out of control. If he is a threat to himself or others then you can put him in mental health for a 72 hour evaluation. If he is hurting hard as it is file charges against him. Even if it just shows him that YES he is ill but that he CAN and MUST learn how to control his behaviors. Just because a child has a mental health diagnosis does not give them the right to treat others poorly. THey must learn to deal with it and CONTROL it. It is difficult but a must. You have to get this under control before he gets older and bigger. Just remember as hard as it is now as a parent...what will it be like when he is in his 20's and still can't control it and really physically hurt or kill someone because he has not learned ways to deal with the disorder. Sorry this is harsh but I have dealt with this so many times and I now believe in my heart that getting tough at an early age is the way to go. It is hard but very important!!!! I wish you all the luck in the world and remember "TOUGH LOVE" work!!!! emoticon

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RENA1965's Photo RENA1965 Posts: 17,878
6/18/09 2:24 A

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Hi MOBLEY59404,
I have a son whom has a ADHD spectrum diagnose called behaviour disorder, concentration disorder and growth deficit disorder.

My son would bite me and his brother leaving a full tooth set on our skin, he would kick me, his father sitting in a wheel chair and destroy games his brother would play if not invited or if he did understand the rules..
I was so despite and tired out of my brains from temper trantums from the age of 3 to 8 years I almost committed suicide.. When he got put 6 months in a special home for children with mental disorders the staff were shocked to see how much crap I put up with..
Pushy children became pushy adults and these children need people whom don't get taken in with their bad behaviour. My son was not a candidate to any form of ritilin as doesn't have thought traffic, he just didn't think period and full stop. This behaviour of being pushy is dangerous and need strong tough love to win over nagging behaviour disorder..
I gave my son of free will to a strong will foster family, the dad has a therapist education and is cold over for my son behaviour.. The principle needed to change bad behaviour is rock solid rules and not dear mom giving in at her weak point screwing up progress.
I miss my son, but am happy when I get him home in weekends and holidays. He has had the wind taken out of his sales and will be a good behaved boy now he now the rules that never change..
If he gets a warning it is one warning then the punishment hammer falls. If it means taking his telephone away from him and if it is a month- a month is a month grounded without it and no amount of begging and pleading will return it. If he continues the behaviour his pocket money and computer are also removed with the same punishment. I don't have the nerves to keep at it, but people whom care for my son for the right reason can carry out this daily life training..
I am proud of my son now, and we as a family got saved before hating him..
He now has a respect if he hits a younger child he is threatened with being kicked out of school and if does this as a adult will end up in jail.. Having a diagnose and people to phone if it goes wrong is very important.
I will not keep being mom to a child I can't control, I don't want having a out of control kid with a weapon in his hands later in life if he stays pushy and dangerous...
Being a responsible mom is also knowing when ones parenting skills to cover the task are out classed. Being pigheaded is child neglect at its worse. Being a responsible mom is also asking for help instead of being proud because this decision will also effect how well they cope in the future getting the help they need now!
Parents to normal functioning teenagers should not put children with mental disorders in the same boat, some behaviour is so dangerous it is out of parents hands. If social services find out parent covers up for this and it goes terribly wrong, it can also mean instant removal for the childs own good from a family. It is better to be open about a problem and seek help working with schools, guidance councillors and social authorites. They have paragraphs most parent won't dream exist when children became dangerous..
My oldest son is worse of than the youngest he will get the mastering skills he lacks with age. My oldest son is worse off but totally different, help to him is totally different, more talking guidance and extra helping hands to make contact to keep him social from adult men has done wonders.. I can't have my youngest living at home, because also the rules and firm talking needed make him cringe in fear and got into his autism world. When we have little brother returned home, he opens more up and come to me even at 16 years for a moms hug! Little brothers foster family is not the right one even if he had to go into foster care. My oldest son would need a more listen couple whom are not so busy and fast in their opinions how the world is screwed together. They would have to be very hobby interested, computer, live role gaming with weekend trips and very intelligent education wise. My foster family is but they are not the right people when also having 3 other children to care for. My oldest son needs people with a slower tempo in daily life to keep up.. But my oldest son being 16 years old has rights and a judge would quickly get the idea he is not interested in lossing me too. There is no way in hell he will move to a foster family without running back home to me, as he pointed out to the doctors at the mental hospital I lost my dad, but my mom is around and she has been good to me lol.. Even he can see I am a good parent and that his little brother was just overkill while caring for a dying dad. Many times when little brother had kicked me, big brother ran efter him tackled him and told him off do hurting me- he appologized but as his brother said look at the marks on moms legs..

Edited by: RENA1965 at: 6/18/2009 (02:46)
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MOMMA48's Photo MOMMA48 Posts: 815,931
6/17/09 8:35 P

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Teenagers will be teenagers and they feel they are the smartest people on this earth at this point in their lives. I remember feeling the same way back when.

BUT, when things are being thrown -- tempers are out of control and things are being damaged -- keep close with the counselors and psychiatrists and find the meds that may help. If it not taken care of now and regulated via meds and/or counseling -- there are only problems ahead.

How about the positives in your home? Do your children see positives -- sounds strange -- but it does help. Try to keep things fairly quiet in the house if you can -- turn on some music -- anything to relax your son's mind and may help his behavior as well. And, monitor as much as you can -- write down each day how he was -- what did he eat even -- and show your notes/journal to the counsels and psychiatrists to help them determine what the cause could be.

Best wishes to your family -- we have a 16 year old that has authority issues, etc., and now, as a result of it all -- he is involved in the Court system. So do what you can and as soon as you can. Save your child from real self-esteem damage in the years ahead if his behavior continues in the outside world.

Edited by: MOMMA48 at: 6/17/2009 (20:38)


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6/17/09 7:34 P

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Every kid is different in what normal may be. Yes teenagers can be pushy and demanding, but throwing things can be dangerous. If that kind of attitude in not nipped in the bud now you will have a adult like this. So it deffinetly needs to be addressed and yes it can be part of mental illness. I bet he really doesn't want to be like this. So for his own benefit you do need to take him.

That fly lady thing sounds interesting I am going to have to look into it.

My son may be bipolar too. We are going to be having him checked. We have him on Abilify witch to me seems to be helping. We have had long time of troubles in school. The only diagnosis we ever got for years and year was that he was ADD. Witch is not uncommon for these two to get mixed up from what I hear. My son is fourteen years old and I am now only feeling that things are starting to change.

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6/17/09 6:52 P

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It IS normal, but you still have to nip it in the bud. Throwing things is NOT okay, and that's what he has to learn. Being bipolar and having intermittent explosive disorder can amplify these tantrums even more, so you have to be diligent when its just a "normal" tantrum. Learning that its not okay during these times, will help him to control his emotions later.

As a person that has been diagnosed bipolar, I can tell you that it can be quite difficult to control your emotions, but most times there is some control available.

The best thing for ANYONE, not just kids with emotional problems, are routines. See and download the "Student Control Journal." It's a great tool for chores, homework and overall organization.

Good luck!

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Finish each day
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Forget them as soon as you can.

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6/17/09 6:37 P

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Wow, you have so much on your plate! My heart aches at hearing about what you deal with.

Every child is different and deals with situations differently. It seems like he is trying to get his way with you. I'd like to know if he is aware of his diganoses because if he does he may be using them to manipulate you.

What type of discipline do you give?


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MOBLEY59404's Photo MOBLEY59404 Posts: 183
6/17/09 6:24 P

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I have three teenagers and they all three have some kind of mental illness. My daughter was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, my oldest son was diagnosed with depression and my youngest son has more diagnoses than I can count a few are: Bi-polar, intermttent explosive disorder, oppositional defiant diorder etc etc etc. My question is can anybody tell me if it is normal behavior for a typical 13 year old to be pushy and demanding or is this my son's mental illness that I have to have checked again. If we do not get him what he wants NOW he will throw things and pout. Is this normal?

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